PND and Me, came from a very dark place, a place where the sun didn’t shine and there was very little hope to cling to, it came from a time of isolation, sadness and loneliness. A time where I didn’t want to live.
Somehow though, the poem came to me one night, it was a like suddenly seeing the lighthouse I had been looking for, but just could not see through the fog. The light however brief, shone into my mind and made me feel hope, that perhaps there was a future where I could be happy.
So there it was, my lighthouse, me a ship in the dark, uncertain sea of PND, where life could be gone in a moment. A light to show me how to reach my destination, one I didn’t know what it held. When I began PND and Me, it was simply sharing my poem, I didn’t expect it to lead onto bigger, brighter, life changing things.
When I was going through PND, I had no lighthouse, I had nothing to cling onto, no hope, no “solution”. I simply couldn’t see how life would ever be any different, this suffering I felt was endless and dark, so bloody dark.
I was sailing my ship in the dark, I knew land was around me, that there were people who cared about me, but I couldn’t see any of it. I truly felt alone. Some days I would just bob around on the sea of PND, not moving, just existing. Other days I would be crashing violently into anything I came into contact with, mostly my own mind. I had no sense of where I was or for that matter who the bloody hell I was now. How could I ever reach the shore safely without someone, or something to guide me?
My poor ship was battered, broken, but still floating. Something deep within me, found a way to fill the holes and fix my ship, just enough to keep afloat, but I needed more than that. I needed a way that would help me get out of port and into the big wide world. I needed to get to the sea, maybe that way I could find a way to live and no longer just exist.
Somehow, I found the shore with the help of the poem I wrote. I found myself connecting with others who were or had been, where I was, in the depths of an endless hell of PND. I found comfort and reassurance, the “Me too” conversations I so desperately needed
I have slowly fixed up my ship, replaced the bits that were worn out and no longer served a purpose. I gave my ship a new lease of life one where I knew I had the power within me to steer through even the toughest of storms that came my way and tried to pull me under.
When I found that lighthouse, I found my way again. I want to be the lighthouse I didn’t have for so long, for others who need a little help finding theirs.
You might not be able to see your lighthouse yet, but please keep looking for it because one day, you will and you will learn ways to fix your ship, just like I have.
